TV Tilt

TV tilt might be the worst tilt ever. It’s the LSD of tilt with its high intensity and long duration.

An error message appears. Is it the TV set? The cable box? The cable service? The internet service? The remote? A battery? The Roku / Fire / Chrome / whatever stick? Are all the wires and cords and cables connected properly?

You’ve got people coming over to play poker and watch the game and … ^%$#$*&%! Your guests, if you think of them as guests, don’t actually care about your problems. They just want everything to work and look easy.

Sigh. You better call technical support.

“Please press 1 if you have having an internet problem, or 2 for a cable problem, or 3 for billing and payment issues, or 4 for … OK, now in a few words, please tell me what is the matter … I didn’t get that, please tell me in a few words what is the problem … Please enter your zip code … OK, I’ll connect you to the sales department … Your estimated wait time is between 17 and 25 minutes.

[Please wait at least 17 minutes before continuing. You can thank me later for skipping over the part where the sales department transfers you to technical support.]

“Hello, my name is Penelope, and I’d be glad to help you. This call may be recorded or monitored for quality and training purposes. May I first get your full name and address, a callback number, the last four digits of your social security number, your drivers license number, a major credit card, the name of the street you grew up on, your favorite color, and the middle name of your firstborn son? At the end of this call you’ll get a brief satisfaction survey and I sincerely hope you’ll rate me very highly.

“What is the serial number on your cable box? Since you’re almost 60 years old, and the cable box is unsecurely and delicately balanced on top of the wall mounting bracket behind the TV,  you’ll need to stand on a chair and carefully maneuver the box so the cable doesn’t pop out of the connector on either end. Look for a series of bar codes on the back. Below each bar code, in the smallest font in the history of fonts, is a serial number and MAC code. Because the font is too small for a man your age to read without assistance, you’ll need to take a picture so you can enlarge the image on your phone. Be careful stepping down from the chair. But before all that, please verify that your life insurance premiums are paid in full… you know, just in case.”

Etc. Etc.

Several buy-ins later, the last of your guests is leaving. “Thanks again for hosting KKing David. Great game tonight, but you really should have the TV working before everyone gets here. And you should learn to fold when it’s obvious you’re beat.”

Yep.

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