A Smartass, Jackass and Dumbass Walk Into a Bar

Stop me if you’ve heard this one.

A smartass, jackass and dumbass walk into a bar. Not any dive bar, but a $2/5 bar in Florida.

The smartass, knowing he would defer to the others to act before him, straddled the barstool with the best position relative to the others and laid $10 on the counter while waiting. For purposes of this blog, I’ll call him “the Button.”

The bartender looked at the jackass seated to the left of the Button, asking “what will you have, sir?” The jackass, who for purposes of this blog I’ll call “the Small Blind,” replied “I’m not going to look at the menu yet, but here’s $75,” laying his money on the counter. “Let’s see what everyone else does.” He is the sort of jackass who frequents bars like this one in Florida, lighting large sums of money on fire just for the thrill of seeing how others react. A usually short-lived, one man pyrotechnic show.

Everyone else at the bar folded their money, got up and left, with one person leaving behind a $5 tip. Except for the dumbass, who was sitting to the immediate right of the Button. For purposes of this blog, I’ll call the dumbass “Me.” Everybody looked at Me expectantly, as if to demand an answer: “Hey dumbass! There’s $90 laying on the counter. Aren’t you going to claim it?”

Fact of the matter is, that’s mighty tempting for Me. Neither the Button nor the Small Blind is likely to make a counter-claim. And $90 is ninety dollars, or so it seems to Me.

Me thinks claiming the $90 laying on the bar counter is a splendid idea. Engaging first in a bit of amateur cartomancy (fortune-telling using a deck of cards), the dumbass (that’s Me!) peeks at an Ace and 5, of different colors. “An ace reduces the odds of the Button or the Small Blind having an ace, and has value of its own that may prevail if the claim is disputed.” Please don’t try this at home. Anticipation builds as the bartender, the Button and the Small Blind watch Me put $450, which is all of it, on the counter to announce a claim for the money laying there. That ought to do it.

This joke has to have a punchline, right?

The button looks at Me and matches the claim, as does the Small Blind, albeit with slightly less.

To settle the matter, the bartender performs some cartomancy of his own, placing three cards face up on the counter, then another, then another. Then the Button, still straddling his bar stool, turns over his own two random playing cards, both of which are aces, and scoops all of the money off the counter.



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