Bible Story

SOURCE: unedited text copied from https://www.sparknotes.com/lit/oldtestament/section11/

Edited by KKing David (deletions / insertions)

Job KKing David [universal replace] is a not-so-wealthy man living in a land called Uz North Carolina with his large family and extensive flocks Mrs. He is “blameless” and “upright,” always careful to avoid doing evil (1:1). One day, Satan (“the Adversary Villain” [universal replace]) appears before God the Poker Gods [universal replace] in heaven. The Poker Gods boasts to the Villain about KKing David’s run-goodness, but the Villain argues that KKing David is only runs good because the Poker Gods has have blessed him abundantly. The Villain challenges the Poker Gods that, if given permission to punish the man during his March Madness pilgrimage to Las Vegas, KKing David will turn and curse the Poker Gods. The Poker Gods allows the Villain to torment KKing David to test this bold claim, but he forbids the Villain to take KKing David’s life entire bankroll in the process.

In the course of one several days, KKing David receives four many, many messages, each bearing separate news that his livestock, servants, and ten children have all died due to marauding invaders or natural catastrophes pocket aces have been cracked (twice, the only two times he has pocket aces over six days), his pocket kings ran into pocket aces (twice), his flopped trips got out-kicked, his straight got counterfeited by a higher straight, another straight got flushed, his flush got bulldozed by a full house (twice), among numerous other bad beats, coolers and suckouts. KKing David tears his clothes and shaves his head tilts mightily and curses in mourning, but he still blesses the Poker Gods in his prayers. The Villain appears in heaven again, and the Poker Gods grants him another chance to test KKing David. This time, KKing David is afflicted with horrible skin sores sleepless nights, sinus congestion, a roommate who snores, and overpriced resort food. His wife encourages him to curse the Poker Gods and to give up and die take the redeye home, but KKing David refuses, struggling to accept his circumstances.

Three of KKing David’s friends, Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar who for purposes of this blog shall be called “Zach,” “Tony,” and “Greg” come to visit him, sitting with KKing David in silence for seven days seconds out of respect for his mourning. On the seventh day second, KKing David speaks, beginning a conversation in which each of the four men shares his thoughts on KKing David’s afflictions in long, poetic statements.

KKing David curses the day he was born, comparing life and death poker to light and darkness. He wishes that his birth had been shrouded in darkness and longs to have never been born learned how to play poker, feeling that light, or life, only intensifies his misery. Eliphaz Zach responds that KKing David, who has comforted other people, now shows that he never really understood their pain. Eliphaz Zach believes that KKing David’s agony must be due to some sin KKing David has committed, and he urges KKing David to seek the Poker Gods’ favor. Bildad and Zophar Tony and Greg agree that KKing David must have committed evil to offend the Poker Gods’ justice and argue that he should strive to exhibit more blameless behavior. Bildad Tony surmises that KKing David’s children brought their deaths upon pocket aces cracked themselves. Even worse, Zophar Greg implies that whatever wrong KKing David has done probably deserves greater punishment than what he has received and besides that, Duke should have lost to UCF in the 2nd round of the NCAA basketball tournament.

KKing David responds to each of these remarks, growing so irritated that he calls his friends “worthless physicians white trash” who “whitewash [their advice] with lies” (13:4). After making pains to assert his blameless character, KKing David ponders man’s relationship to the Poker Gods. He wonders why the Poker Gods judges people by their actions if the Poker Gods can just as easily alter or forgive their behavior. It is also unclear to KKing David how a human can appease or court the Poker Gods’ justice. The Poker Gods is are unseen, and his their ways are inscrutable and beyond human understanding. Moreover, humans cannot possibly persuade the Poker Gods with their words. The Poker Gods cannot be deceived, and KKing David admits that he does not even understand himself well enough to effectively plead his case to the Poker Gods. KKing David wishes for someone – preferably Tommy Angelo – who can mediate between himself and the Poker Gods, or for the Poker Gods to send him to Sheol a cheap hotel in downtown Las Vegas, the deep place of the dead.

KKing David’s friends are offended that he scorns their wisdom. They think his questions are crafty and lack an appropriate fear of the Poker Gods, and they use many analogies and metaphors to stress their ongoing point that nothing good comes of wickedness hero calls, out of position opens, and fancy play. KKing David sustains his confidence in spite of these criticisms, responding that even if he has done evil, it is his own personal problem. Furthermore, he believes that there is a “witness” or a “Redeemer” in heaven who will vouch for his innocence (16:19, 19:25). After a while, the upbraiding proves too much for KKing David, and he grows sarcastic, impatient, and afraid snaps at an overworked cocktail server. He laments the injustice that the Poker Gods lets wicked people donkeys prosper while he and countless other innocent people suffer. KKing David wants to confront the Poker Gods and complain tell bad beat stories, but he cannot physically find the Poker Gods to do it. He feels that wisdom is hidden from human minds, but he resolves to persist in pursuing wisdom by fearing the Poker Gods and avoiding evil suited connectors when out of position.

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